The "Civil War" game is played for a spot in the Pac-12 Championship, and emotions are at an all time high. Benny the Beaver pummels the duck in an epic take down at half time which makes the lead in to Sportscenter that night, and the Beavs shock the Ducks with a 30-28 road win in the closing seconds. Phil Knight is forced to go back and look at his business text books to see what "ROI" means, as he is no closer to buying a NCAA championship despite tens of Millions of dollars invested.
....and after losing to the OSU Beavers for the 2nd time in his school boy career , Lanning Is let go,
And UO hires Deon Sanders away from Colorado ! The “Prime” and UO “bling” are finally brought together to entertain everyone . Not to win, but to entertain !!!!
Phil Knight makes a multi hundred million dollar donation to Oregon State but the Beavers boosters insist the money is returned and say “we’d like to continue to maintain our holier than thou attitude over UO”
Later in the year the Reser family makes an even larger donation to OSU under the condition that the university change the team name and mascot to the OSU Burritos. The school agrees and issues a press release saying that “the school is not selling out! In fact burritos fit nicely into lunch pails and are consistent with the working class image of their teams.”
March 12th: After winning just 3 games all year, and posting the worst basketball season in Cal's entire history, Cal fires head coach Mark Fox and announces that its new basketball coach is Kevin Johnson.
In his first public comments he said, "I could not stand watching our once proud Bears become the laughingstock of the Pac-12 so I am accepting the challenge of rebuilding the Bears. Look, if I could spearhead keeping the sad sack Kings in Sac Town, and running the city, I can certainly bring back success to the Cal basketball program."
Question, John: Are you going to cover men's baseball and if so, will you make a prediction on Oregon State and their CWS prospects for 2023? Preseason polls have the Beavs at #27 and the Ducks at #19. That shows a complete lack of respect for the Beavers program and history. Ducks have done nothing in Baseball and the Beavs have won (3) national championships in the past 20 years and are in CWS contention every year over that time. Thoughts?
Berkeley, Stanford and UCLA have PhDs in AI work with the football teams. It doesn't matter for Cal and Stanford, but UCLA suddenly bolts to the top of the conference.
The Pac looks all Amazon with the media rights deal. $40M per team, but will people watch?
SD State says yes, but Gonzaga pleads for basketball only. Given that Cal is 1-100 this year, Gonzaga offers to take Cal's place. Cal agrees and takes all the money allocated to basketball to re-double its efforts in rugby.
Deion Sanders works with Netflix, Amazon, Apple, Hulu, HBO, Starz and Peacock to offer NIL packages exceeding $20M. Some people are very upset about this. Boulder is not.
Some teammates talk to their stars about getting little bit of the NIL money. "Can you just buy me a dinner now and then? I'm really tired of top ramen and tater tots?" Full scale communism breaks out.
Deion Sanders convinces his football players to try to play for the baseball team. Half the team does. 5 players are actually excellent at baseball. They think about concussions and quit the football team.
Will make predictions after I stop laughing. Well done.
Have just one: If USC fails to make the playoffs, Lincoln Riley gets fed up with the harsh criticism and replaces the Jimbo Fisher at A & M, who has been missing since his abduction by angry fans.
Why will Riley have had enough? Check out what LA Times columnist Bill Plaschke wrote today about USC's loss:
"Whatever happens within the program, tolerating a defense that began the day ranked 119th out of 131 FBS teams is unfair to Williams, unfair to USC fans and a dereliction of the responsibility that goes with that giant contract bestowed on Riley when he took the job last winter.
"He's supposed to coach the whole team, OK? Anything less and Riley isn't fulfilling the vow he made to turn the Trojans into championship contenders."
AND
"He has a quarterback who deserves a shot at a national championship He has a fan base that deserves a return to sustained greatness. He needs to stop waxing about the success of their one-year turnaround and realize that nobody is going to be happy unless he can finish the job.... Until he does, there is no difference between Riley and the passel of failed USC coaches that preceded him."
AND
"Just wondering, but how much of offensive genius Riley's estimated $10-million annual salary is being paid for him to coach the other side of the ball? Apparently, nothing, because that what his defense did for the umpteenth game in completing this team's startling tumble from the doorstep of the College Football Playoff semifinals to a pitiable pile of smoking wreckage."
Typical USC entitlement stuff but with a (deserved) mercenary edge: We paid enough to buy a winner, dammit? Where is our winner?
I hate to see UCLA leave the conference but if that's what it takes to get rid of the program that gave us OJ Simpson and Reggie Bush and has whined its way for 30 years mostly in the wilderness... it's worth it. I wish they were leaving now, not a year from.
Sure Chris, Knight donates a lot. What else is he going to do with billions? He is in his 80s and you can't take it with you. That is really not the point. The point is that this use of money for no good reason other than to deify yourself is kind of sick, don't you think? And we all know who is making the products that Nike sells for its fat margins. Maybe give that a bit of thought while you are cheering for the Ducks, with the best money can buy in college sports. It just seems there are a lot better use for donations than that. Maybe invest in helping free the Uyghurs from China.
The "Civil War" game is played for a spot in the Pac-12 Championship, and emotions are at an all time high. Benny the Beaver pummels the duck in an epic take down at half time which makes the lead in to Sportscenter that night, and the Beavs shock the Ducks with a 30-28 road win in the closing seconds. Phil Knight is forced to go back and look at his business text books to see what "ROI" means, as he is no closer to buying a NCAA championship despite tens of Millions of dollars invested.
Good one, John. Thanks for all of your great work this year. I predict you will have continued success in this endeavor of yours.
Happy New Year!
....and after losing to the OSU Beavers for the 2nd time in his school boy career , Lanning Is let go,
And UO hires Deon Sanders away from Colorado ! The “Prime” and UO “bling” are finally brought together to entertain everyone . Not to win, but to entertain !!!!
Keep up the good work!! You're a joy to read. And, you're having fun. Hard combination to beat.
People do buy $50 (or higher) tickets to hear Stanford lectures. This is called tuition.
Love it! Great article….and I hate kale.
You COULD Quit your day job, John. The comedy circuit awaits you!
You had to resurface Larry Scott, but thanks for the prolonged chuckle by doing so. :)
Phil Knight makes a multi hundred million dollar donation to Oregon State but the Beavers boosters insist the money is returned and say “we’d like to continue to maintain our holier than thou attitude over UO”
Later in the year the Reser family makes an even larger donation to OSU under the condition that the university change the team name and mascot to the OSU Burritos. The school agrees and issues a press release saying that “the school is not selling out! In fact burritos fit nicely into lunch pails and are consistent with the working class image of their teams.”
March 12th: After winning just 3 games all year, and posting the worst basketball season in Cal's entire history, Cal fires head coach Mark Fox and announces that its new basketball coach is Kevin Johnson.
In his first public comments he said, "I could not stand watching our once proud Bears become the laughingstock of the Pac-12 so I am accepting the challenge of rebuilding the Bears. Look, if I could spearhead keeping the sad sack Kings in Sac Town, and running the city, I can certainly bring back success to the Cal basketball program."
Question, John: Are you going to cover men's baseball and if so, will you make a prediction on Oregon State and their CWS prospects for 2023? Preseason polls have the Beavs at #27 and the Ducks at #19. That shows a complete lack of respect for the Beavers program and history. Ducks have done nothing in Baseball and the Beavs have won (3) national championships in the past 20 years and are in CWS contention every year over that time. Thoughts?
John,
Make sure you put the UCLA and the USC losses in the BIG10 column and not under the PAC-12.
CB
Berkeley, Stanford and UCLA have PhDs in AI work with the football teams. It doesn't matter for Cal and Stanford, but UCLA suddenly bolts to the top of the conference.
The Pac looks all Amazon with the media rights deal. $40M per team, but will people watch?
SD State says yes, but Gonzaga pleads for basketball only. Given that Cal is 1-100 this year, Gonzaga offers to take Cal's place. Cal agrees and takes all the money allocated to basketball to re-double its efforts in rugby.
Deion Sanders works with Netflix, Amazon, Apple, Hulu, HBO, Starz and Peacock to offer NIL packages exceeding $20M. Some people are very upset about this. Boulder is not.
Some teammates talk to their stars about getting little bit of the NIL money. "Can you just buy me a dinner now and then? I'm really tired of top ramen and tater tots?" Full scale communism breaks out.
Deion Sanders convinces his football players to try to play for the baseball team. Half the team does. 5 players are actually excellent at baseball. They think about concussions and quit the football team.
Ducks find a defense! and find ways not to lose,. Huskies reminisce on what could have been....Beavs realize the Vegas bowl is their home.
Ducks win the softball championship.
Will make predictions after I stop laughing. Well done.
Have just one: If USC fails to make the playoffs, Lincoln Riley gets fed up with the harsh criticism and replaces the Jimbo Fisher at A & M, who has been missing since his abduction by angry fans.
Why will Riley have had enough? Check out what LA Times columnist Bill Plaschke wrote today about USC's loss:
"Whatever happens within the program, tolerating a defense that began the day ranked 119th out of 131 FBS teams is unfair to Williams, unfair to USC fans and a dereliction of the responsibility that goes with that giant contract bestowed on Riley when he took the job last winter.
"He's supposed to coach the whole team, OK? Anything less and Riley isn't fulfilling the vow he made to turn the Trojans into championship contenders."
AND
"He has a quarterback who deserves a shot at a national championship He has a fan base that deserves a return to sustained greatness. He needs to stop waxing about the success of their one-year turnaround and realize that nobody is going to be happy unless he can finish the job.... Until he does, there is no difference between Riley and the passel of failed USC coaches that preceded him."
AND
"Just wondering, but how much of offensive genius Riley's estimated $10-million annual salary is being paid for him to coach the other side of the ball? Apparently, nothing, because that what his defense did for the umpteenth game in completing this team's startling tumble from the doorstep of the College Football Playoff semifinals to a pitiable pile of smoking wreckage."
Typical USC entitlement stuff but with a (deserved) mercenary edge: We paid enough to buy a winner, dammit? Where is our winner?
I hate to see UCLA leave the conference but if that's what it takes to get rid of the program that gave us OJ Simpson and Reggie Bush and has whined its way for 30 years mostly in the wilderness... it's worth it. I wish they were leaving now, not a year from.
Be gone, smoking wreckage.
Sure Chris, Knight donates a lot. What else is he going to do with billions? He is in his 80s and you can't take it with you. That is really not the point. The point is that this use of money for no good reason other than to deify yourself is kind of sick, don't you think? And we all know who is making the products that Nike sells for its fat margins. Maybe give that a bit of thought while you are cheering for the Ducks, with the best money can buy in college sports. It just seems there are a lot better use for donations than that. Maybe invest in helping free the Uyghurs from China.